Zoom-Zoom’s contract details: Twins will get One Last Amazing Pitch

Since I posted this on the other blog site, which came and went as fast as Zumaya's fastball used to in 2006, I thought I'd share this again in case you missed it. Funny stuff!

From The Onion, Jan. 30, 2012

MINNEAPOLIS – Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque. “Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’ ”

Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

Link: http://www.theonion.com/articles/joel-zumaya-agrees-to-throw-one-last-amazing-pitch,27183/


  1. According to medical science, a failed test is valid. But thanks for re-posting. We won't be doing any more "testing."

  2. The only test in order is for the GM of the Twins, willing to take a gamble on Zumaya for $800,000.00